The Cereal Killer
by happy molecule
Summary: Boromir develops a new fascination.....


A/N: This belongs to a 'series' me and my friend started where we take a character, put them in a really weird situation and add Arwen.  So far they're all REALLY bizarre!  Ok, I'm normal font, italics is "eat paper" (who used to be "a class superior/Sarah") and bold is edgy wedgy.  And by the way, this is one long chap coz I'm too lazy to put into more than one!

The Cereal Killer!

Boromir groaned as the sunlight flickered through the curtains and onto his face.  _It was a "new day", so to speak, but Boromir really didn't want to get up.  His head really hurt.  He really needed to remember not to drink so much.  He groaned again.  Realising the sun wasn't going to go away, he got up and poured himself a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast.  Boromir stared at the box.  Damn cornflakes!  Look at them!  So crunchy and unlonely and un-hung over.  In a sudden wave of fury, Boromir whipped out his sword and slashed them into oblivion. ___

_For a moment he was horrified at what he had just done.  Did he really kill his cornflakes?  Was he guilty of murder?  He stepped back _from the table.  Then he realised that it was actually kind of fun.  He noticed his father's favourite box of cornflakes sitting across the table and grinned.  His day had just gotten a WHOLE lot better!

              *                                                                  *                                                            *                           

_That afternoon, he felt extremely proud as he walked down the street, sword by his side.  Sure, _he was the alcoholic son of a throne-minder, but he was a cereal killer! 

_It felt so good to be doing something useful (well, sort of useful) again.  He was hungry and his father had yelled at him, but that was ok, everything _was good.  The cold night air was blowing in his hair.  Suddenly he noticed a box of cornflakes in a window.  No!  He told himself forcefully.  I couldn't.  They're not mine!  He tried to walk away, but his eyes _were drawn to the box.  His fingers twitched at his side and he felt his sword humming to him.  _He couldn't help himself.  He "skilfully" leapt through the window and attacked the "evil" box of cornflakes.  _He heard voices.  Cries of "No!  No!" filled the night air as he stepped back and looked around him.  _Lights began to switch on in the house.  He quickly left the house and ran all the way home.

                *                                                                    *                                                          *       

_"Boromir!  I need to speak to you!" his father called.  Boromir his head under the pillow some more.  He really didn't wasn't to have to see his father.  _His father's face was still covered in his food from 3 days ago, which he thought was enough reason not to see him.

_"BOROMIR!" the call came again.  Reluctantly Boromir dragged himself off his bed and walked to his door, still clutching his pillow._

"Yeah?"

"Do you see the big bridge above the gate?"

"What?"

"Do bridges grow ion gates?"

"Huh?"

"Did you lose the lid?"

"Dad, what the hell are you talking about?!"

Denethor looked confused.

"I don't know."

Both father and son stood there, scratching their "heads" for a moment or two.

"Hmmmmmmm………."

_"I think I need milk…" Denethor said finally and stood up.  _

_Just then, Boromir heard the doorbell ring and went top answer it.  He pulled the door open and revealed Arwen.  There was mascara running down her cheeks and Boromir could tell she had been crying.  Boromir felt strangely aroused by this, but he ignored his need, as he figured something was more likely to happen if he appeared caring._

"What happened?" he asked, feigning concern.  "Did Aragorn leave you?"

Arwen shook her head.  

"Someone ate my cornflakes!" she sobbed.

_Uh-oh…..Boromir felt a strange sensation in the pit of his stomach, and it took him a while to realise that it was guilt._

_"Um……" he swallowed hard.  Arwen would never forgive him if he told her that he had killed her cornflakes!_

_"Can you help me?" Arwen asked pitifully._

"You can have my cornflakes..." he offered bluely, _but then he realised that he had killed them too._

_"No," Arwen replied.  "I don't like YOUR cornflakes, they're _festi."

_"No, they're not!" Boromir said indignantly.  "They're lovely and wonderful to kill-"_

Arwen gasped.  She was flabbergasted and stupefied.

"YOU killed the cornflakes!!!!!" She seeked for and grabbed up a spoon, and instantly began to brush her hair.

_Boromir stared at her.  She had lost her cornflakes, yet all she could do was brush her hair? With a SPOON?!_

"Yes.  At times like this it's the only thing that comforts me."

What? Boromir thought.  Can she read my mind?

"Yes," she smiled evilly.  "And I'd love to."

"YAY!" Boromir cheered.  So they skipped hand in hand to the bathroom and began cleaning it.

            _Suddenly Faramir came in to the bathroom and exclaimed,_

"Oh my god!  You stole my horse!"

_And all of a sudden, Arwen started crying all over again._

_"Aw, man!" Faramir exclaimed.  He didn't like Arwen to cry._

"What's wrong?" he asked.

_"I…hate…talking…about…that…horse!"  She sobbed, hiccuping.  "Aragorn…took…it...and..._**flushed…it…down…the…sink."**

**Just then Denethor walked in.  Faramir immediately knelt down.  Boromir tried to kneel down but fell over.**

**"Hello sons!" cried Denethor, "I have come to tell you about my wife…"**

**"You have news about mother?" asked Faramir happily.**

**"No, my other wife."**

**"You mean my mother?" said Boromir.**

**Denethor made a gurgling noise.  "My other wife."**

"You mean my mother?" Arwen asked.

Denethor slapped his head.

"No, you fools!  My inanimate, illegitimate wife!"

"Ooooh," said everyone in realisation.  "Celeborn."

_"Yes, that one," Denethor replied.  "Anyway, 'she' has decided to give me a year's supply of cereal, because I told 'her' about how my cornflakes were ruined."_

_"Um…" said Boromir.  "Where are they?"_

"In the kitchen."

Boromir smiled to himself and ran into the kitchen with his 'sword'.  Denethor stared at the speed with which his son had run.    He thought it was quite bizarre as his son never moved faster than a snail unless threatened with grass.  Real grass not 'grass'.  

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the cornflakes are invisible," he remembered suddenly.  

            **But it was too late; Boromir had gone.  He reached the kitchen and drew his sword.  Grinning evilly, he crooned, "Come here, my precious…."**

But there were no cornflakes to be seen.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!"

There were still no cornflakes to be seen.  Boromir became frustrated.

"Where the hell are you, you stupid fat cornflakes?!"

To his dismay, the cornflakes did not answer.  He pouted.

"Well this just sucks, doesn't it?!"

Suddenly he was grabbed from behind and knocked unconscious.

            Boromir awoke to find himself tied to a wall.  He thought this strange, but he knew that some people were into this sort of kinky behaviour, and so he didn't complain.  He was quite cold though.  _He looked around the room, and found……… a whole stack of boxes of cornflakes!  Boromir found his fingers twitching, and tried to reach for his sword, but then realised that his sword was no longer by his side.  His captors had stripped him of weapons!    
He stared at the stack of cornflakes._

_"Boromir," they seemed to be calling.  "Come here Boromir…We're waiting for you…"_

_Boromir cried out in frustration.  He couldn't bear it any longer._

At his cry a young woman came rushing in.  

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" Boromir screamed.  It was _Faramir!_

_"Hello, Bro," Faramir said smugly.  "I see you are getting acquainted with your new surroundings."_

"What have you done?!"

"ME?!  You stole my horse!"

"No I didn't!  That was Arwen!"

"Oh.  Ok."

Faramir untied Boromir and hugged him and they lived happily ever after.

_And Arwen…well, we shall see what happens to her later…._


End file.
